Why Is an Adult Child Unable to Live in the Present?

By Robert Waldvogel

Many have philosophized that the past is over, that the future has not yet occurred, and that all anyone has is the present. But for an adult child, who sustained a shaming, dysfunctional, and even abusive upbringing, yet failed to understand, process, or recover from it, is that past really over for him? It not, how, then, can he fully live in the present?

Origin of his pathology is his inner child-or the very survival solution to the adverse circumstances he was forced to experience and which demonstrated that it was not safe to exist in the present.

Unaware at an early and even infantile age, and devoid of any tools to protect or defend himself, the child found himself in the care of one or more parents who themselves were the products of dysfunctional, unstable, and alcoholic upbringings. Wounded and insecure, yet unaware of their own adult child origins, they projected their negative, highly charged feelings, which were most likely laced with alcoholic toxins, onto their vulnerable offspring, seeking to relieve themselves of their own burdens and look outside of themselves to feel whole.

Needing his parents for shelter, sustenance, clothing, care, and emotional support to survive, the child attempted to stabilize them so that they could continue to fulfill their roles. Internalizing and burying the volatile, inadequate feelings transferred to him, he believed that, if he strove to be as good and as perfect as possible, that he would not be abandoned and ultimately loved.

Thus, he shifted the reason for its withhold from the parents, who were unable to offer it, to himself, believing that he was not worthy of receiving it. At this stage, he idealized his parents, regarding them as perfect, God-equivalent representatives.

Yet these conditions reek of instability and a lack of safety, leaving his only survival recourse as creation of the cocooned inner child, enabling him to spiritually escape within at a tender age when he was completely dependent upon his caregivers

"Because of (these circumstances), the child's vulnerable true self is wounded so often, that to protect (it) it defensively submerges itself deep within the subconscious part of its psyche," according to Dr. Charles L. Whitfield in "Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition" (Health Communications, Inc., 1991, p. 27). "The child goes into hiding."

The process hardly ends here, however. Whatever he is fed, particularly of the negative nature like criticism, he swallows, depositing it into his false self account, eventually filling it to overflowing capacity, eroding his self-esteem, and giving increasing power to his critical inner voice, which may play frequently, if not chronically, later in life when he becomes an adult.

"As children, we focused on the odd or neglectful nature of our parents' behavior," advises the "Adult Children of Alcoholics" textbook (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 7). "We mistakenly thought we caused their moods or attitudes or could do something to change circumstances. We did not realize that we were children and that adults were responsible for their own feelings and actions. Many of us thought we caused our parents' addictions... We took responsibility for (their) anger, rage, blame, or pittifulnesss... By living with a blaming or shaming parent, we developed a dependent, false self. Our false self constantly seeks outward affirmation, recognition, or praise, but we secretly believe we don't deserve it. Meanwhile, the inner child is drawn inward into hiding."

Ultimately, the adult child, who may be unaware that he experienced an intrinsically conflicted upbringing during which his true or authentic self naturally sought to evolve and grow, but was constantly attacked by his ego or false self so that it remained submerged, became developmentally arrested.

Pinned to his initial, inner child necessitated trauma, buried deeply within himself to escape further damage and seek safety, and suspended at an age that never crossed the child-adult line, he could not face more obstacles in his attempt-if not need-to live in the present.

While "time heals all" and "gone and forgotten" sayings are nice theories, the reality is that these shattering, life-changing dynamics, all having occurred at crucial developmental stages, ensure that the person remains shackled to his past, despite his efforts as an adult to function and move on in the present. Forced to rest his life on his shaky foundation, he is prone to frequent crumbling.

The ties that bind him to his past are numerous, including his unresolved childhood; the volatile emotions he was forced to suppress, but which may grip him now and in which he may become trapped, returning him to the vulnerable times when he did not have the resources to protect or defend himself the fire-feeding alcoholic toxins, which give them volcanic proportions, assuming lives of their own and reducing him to a beyond-control bystander; and the ever-mounting layers of them that gave them a complexity and power he cannot independently surmount without psychological intervention or recovery.

Retriggerings, which ignite this internal flame and only fuel its intensity, inadvertently and subconsciously occur, particularly if the person either still lives with his parental abuser or at the very least in the home-of-origin where his detriment took place, where, even years later, every corner may trip his circuit. They can also occur when he feels diminished or threatened by a later-in-life authority figure whose physical or behavioral characteristics "remind" him of or suggest his parent. The more he is retriggered, the narrower his focus becomes, until he may only be physically present, but emotionally mired in his past. Caught in the vortex of his childhood, he cannot see his way to adulthood.

Distrust and the perception of danger further eject an adult child from the present. There are several indicators, once understood, that can alert him to the fact that some person, place, or thing poses a risk or threat and that they serve to protect him from them.

The first of these is the re-gripping of the rewired brain-caused adult child survival traits, which can include the need to isolate and seek safety, the loss of identity, the hunger for approval and acceptance, the surge of fear and the perception of threat generated by angry or out-of-control others, the sudden throwback to the victim stance, the feeling of powerlessness, the need to people-please to mollify or disarm potential "enemies," the surge of adrenalin and stress hormones, the experience of the fight-or-flight mode, and the propensity to react, as if the person were once again a helpless child confronted with danger. That "reaction," to a great degree, returns the person to his past and creates the adult child syndrome.

The second indicator is the sheer re-experiencing of anxieties, fears, and post-traumatic stress disorders, and the erecting of defenses, when no logical or apparent reason can be found for them. In these cases, the person, in a retriggered, reactive mode, may be trying to protect himself in the present from something that happened to him in the past.

"I suspect that if I reclaimed all the minutes, hours, and days I've sacrificed to worrying and fear, I'd add years to my life," according to a testimonial in Al-Anon's "Courage to Change" (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992, p. 10). "When I succumb to worry, I open a Pandora's box of terrifying pictures, paranoid voices, and relentless self-criticism. The more attention I pay to this mental static, the more I lose my foothold in reality. Then nothing useful can be accomplished."

Without understanding and recovery, uprooting this condition is no easy task.

"Living one day at a time as an adult child of an alcoholic can seem insurmountable when faced with the myriad of feelings and memories that surface during recovery," advises "Hope for Today" (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 2002, p. 27.) "... How do I stay in the present when faced with horrifying memories of the past? Sometimes I pray one moment at a time, calling on my Higher Power's help through the Serenity Prayer. Other times I talk it out, yell it out, or cry it out to God or to a trusted friend. Sometimes I listen at meetings or read my literature. Yet other times I write it out, walk it out, or do something else safe and comforting."

The ultimate indication of present-time danger and the need to escape it is a person's need to numb out, dissociate, and retreat back into his inner child sanctuary. The regenerated emotions in this case are so volatile, that he is unable to endure the body's physiological response if he allowed himself to feel them.

Whatever a person fails to resolve in his past, he can re-experience and act out in the present, draining him of his positive energy and distorting his "now."

"There can be great value in examining the past," according to "Courage to Change" (op. cit., p. 99). "It can offer information about the present, as well as clues that might help you change for a better future. For those of us who denied, distorted, or lost touch with painful memories, facing the reality of our past can be a critical part of our... recovery."

Because of its power to damage and derail childhood development, stepping out of the past and into the present requires the understanding, processing, and resolving of it and, through the regain of safety and trust, the ability to connect with others and a Higher Power.

"Facing the past as it may surface in my life today doesn't mean I have to stay stuck in it," concludes "Hope for Today" (op. cit., p. 27). "I can let the healing power of (my twelve-step) program help me feel old, buried emotions and the then put them where they belong-in the past. Coming to terms with my history and letting go of it does not deny what happened. Instead, it allows me to enjoy today and to move into the future, unencumbered by the weight of ancient emotions."

Living in the past is like watching the reruns of an old movie, while living in the present is the equivalent of filming a new one.

Article Sources:

"Adult Children of Alcoholics." Torrance, California: Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, 2006.

"Courage to Change." Virginia Beach, Virginia: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992.

"Hope for Today." Virginia Beach, Virginia: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 2002.

Whitfield, Charles L., M.D. "Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition." Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 1991.